By Grant Tucker
Whether advised within the rugby golf equipment of Wales or the gentlemen's golf equipment of London, their sharpness and ease unites us all. brief, candy and wickedly shrewdpermanent, they carry a different position within the annals of comedy, and because the upward push of Twitter heralds a resurrection of the artwork shape, there turns out no higher time to rejoice the immortal one-liner. during this booklet, supply Tucker does simply that, bringing jointly 5,000 of the funniest one-liners ever advised in a single definitive quantity. Laugh-out-loud humorous, 5,000 nice One-Liners has the entire quips, zingers, puns and wisecracks you are going to ever want – and an entire lot extra.
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Additional info for 5,000 Great One Liners
I’m so happy – I think I’ve found the one. It’s right beside the two on my keyboard. My mum cooked alphabetti spaghetti again. ’ Needless to say, she made me eat my words. When I masturbate in front of a mirror, I always wear a wig and lipstick… So it doesn’t get weird. Curry: the only food that comes out looking the same as it went in. How come Mario can smash through bricks, yet he dies when he touches a turtle? My mate’s never had much of an appetite. Yet today he ate a dozen Kinder Eggs whole.
How else would I know that my brother’s future wife is good enough for him? I think it’s time for me to start making my own decisions. Or maybe not. What do you think I should do? My wife said she was going to leave me if I didn’t stop being so sarcastic. ’ I should have known getting married was a mistake. After I said ‘I do’, the vicar looked at her and then asked me if that was my final answer. ’ The judge has got a stutter, so it doesn’t look like I’m getting a sentence. I’m so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed.
I needed to measure my waist, but I couldn’t find the tape measure anywhere. In the end I just shoved a ruler up my arse and multiplied it by pi. According to Einstein, E = MC2. For me, E = a great night out. ’ He said, ‘That’s amazing! ’ The wife said she’s sick of me ‘always being right’. So I left. People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode. My mate just got sacked from his quality control job at the match factory. He was standing at the production line going, ‘This one works … and this one … and this one…’ A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar… Or so the government would have us believe.